I’m 50 years old. Why do I still struggle with the need to be liked?
An over-investment in people-pleasing can be emotionally costly. Here’s how I’m training myself to be OK with letting people down
TL;DR
- Societal expectations often pressure girls and women to be agreeable and people-pleasers, which can lead to a 'split self' and emotional costs like stress and self-alienation.
- The author's personal history, including concealing her queerness, reinforced a deep desire to be liked and an affect of constant agreeability.
- Experiencing classrooms as a substitute teacher revealed the cultural messaging that women's anger is unattractive and dangerous, reinforcing the need for pleasantness.
- Adopting effective teaching practices of clear directives, immediate discipline, and balancing correction with affection helped the author gain respect rather than just likability.
- As the author ages and experiences perimenopause, she becomes less concerned with popular opinion and more assertive in setting boundaries and expressing discontent.
- Modeling assertiveness for her daughter, the author encourages her to be comfortable disappointing others and setting them straight, mirroring her own journey.
- Prioritizing one's own needs and comfort is crucial for individual dignity and self-respect, and collectively, this practice can shift societal norms that penalize women for expressing anger or displeasure.